You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

I need to explore a new love. I need to open my eyes instead of ignoring the world . Ignoring all of my opportunities out there.

Ignoring....

The wink of the beautiful women at the store. 

The smile from a pretty girl in a car.

The opportunity to meet someone new.

A change in the scenery.

Hanging out with my friends.

Finding someone that will accept my flaws

Lifes to short to spend it with someone that doesn't truly love me. Im going to explore my options and be happy. I cant accept second best. I need someone to love me for me.

 As flawed as I am I need to find someone to love me for who I am rather than what they want me to be.

Remember love people for their flaws.

I need to be me.

I need to be loved.

I need to be wanted. 

I need to be happy. 

I need to be me....

I remember

Over the past few days I've been overcome by a flood of emotion. Memories having been coming back to me like a flood.

I've been over come by mostly bad memories. How I was treated. What I did. What was said and what has happened. I remember being told I was hated. Told nobody wanted me there. Being locked out of my own house. Made to feel worthless. Always told that everything was better elsewhere. Told that her friends and family would be there and support her when in reality I was the only one  there for her. Told that everything I did was unneeded and that she couldve done it without me. Thanks for the disrespect.

This is why I did what I did. I felt lonely and unloved. Hated and disrespected. Sometimes I would drink to dull the pain. I drink till I couldnt anymore. Till I passed out alone on the couch. But it never worked. I couldnt escape the hatred towards me. I would be called and messaged telling me how much I sucked. Telling me the door would be locked. I was too embarassed to ask for help and would sleep in my car sometimes. When I was a child my mom would throw me out of the house wearing nothing but underwear. I felt embrassed and humiliated. I would hide when cars would show up. I would just sit on the curb and cry. Feeling unwanted and abandoned is horrible.

But there is a silver lining. My friend took me in. Gave me a place to stay. Here I dont worry that I'll be locked out. I dont feel worthless. I feel welcomed and wanted. Im not told I'm hated.

I dont know what the future will bring but I feel safe and wanted here. Everyday I grow apart from her. Driven by the hatred I felt. By the memories I have seared in my brain.

Art Of Dying - Die Trying

Sometimes I feel like that boy I once knew looking for his father. But then I realize I am my father.

Alone I look into my future. Somewhat uncertain. I know where Im going but I have to pick my path.

I am human and make mistakes. Its what makes me mortal. I envy my brother and sister because they always knew the path and followed it. Im the black sheep. Always ridiculed and hated. Maybe Ill find my way. But now I am lost.

The only person I can help is myself. It seems when I help others I am disrespected and treated like garbage. No one helps me. I always figure it out. This is my greatest gift and strength. Adversity makes me stronger. When held down I rise up stronger than before.

I dont ever think about my happiness. I think Im always tasked with making someone happy rather than myself. Its lonely and I get angry often. I feel neglected and unwanted. Every relationship has been like this. I try my hardest and try to apply all the lessons I learned from before. But somehow I end up in the same place I was before. Lonely and unloved.

Maybe Im destined to be alone. The faster I figure that out the faster I can move on and be happy.

Human nature

Its in our nature to be around someone when they're nice to you. Its also natural to not want to be around someone when they're mean to you. Some people dont get that.

Feeling better

I dont hurt anymore. Im at peace now. Feels good to wake up and no ones arguing with me. I dont have to hear the complaints anymore.