Over the past few days I've been overcome by a flood of emotion. Memories having been coming back to me like a flood.
I've been over come by mostly bad memories. How I was treated. What I did. What was said and what has happened. I remember being told I was hated. Told nobody wanted me there. Being locked out of my own house. Made to feel worthless. Always told that everything was better elsewhere. Told that her friends and family would be there and support her when in reality I was the only one there for her. Told that everything I did was unneeded and that she couldve done it without me. Thanks for the disrespect.
This is why I did what I did. I felt lonely and unloved. Hated and disrespected. Sometimes I would drink to dull the pain. I drink till I couldnt anymore. Till I passed out alone on the couch. But it never worked. I couldnt escape the hatred towards me. I would be called and messaged telling me how much I sucked. Telling me the door would be locked. I was too embarassed to ask for help and would sleep in my car sometimes. When I was a child my mom would throw me out of the house wearing nothing but underwear. I felt embrassed and humiliated. I would hide when cars would show up. I would just sit on the curb and cry. Feeling unwanted and abandoned is horrible.
But there is a silver lining. My friend took me in. Gave me a place to stay. Here I dont worry that I'll be locked out. I dont feel worthless. I feel welcomed and wanted. Im not told I'm hated.
I dont know what the future will bring but I feel safe and wanted here. Everyday I grow apart from her. Driven by the hatred I felt. By the memories I have seared in my brain.
