Life

I think some people define their lives by misery and pain. Some like me are different. I define my life by my happiness and success.

Keep seeking love and it'll find you. Seek pain and misery and it will find you.

This year I'm focusing on myself.

This year I'm focusing on myself. Fuck the bullshit. I need to be happy.  Sobriety has helped me realize this. Time to be happy!!!

Lazy

I'm with someone who worries about them self. Never helps with bills. Complains about everything. Doesn't make me feel like a man. Takes and doesn't give back.

It's time for her to go. I see nothing worth keeping or holding onto.

Dont know

Ugly people are a turn off. Doesn't matter who you are. Your ugly to me if your mean to me. I'm pushed away. Over saturated with stupidity and ugliness.

It easy for me to walk away.

When I do I never look back. That's the easy part. I'm only left with all the negative.

Love

Love is a choice. What's happens when the infatuation is gone. When your left with only core of yourself and the other person what choice will you make. You can either love or walk away. I've always heard relationships are hard work. I never understood that. Slowly I'm figuring it out.

I always thought relationships or love should come easy. If your personalities click it should be smooth sailing. In my case apparently not. But I keep trying. I have no choice but to try. I feel like if I don't make a commitment I'll be alone forever.

The language of love isn't my strongest language. I have trouble expressing my feelings and needs. I've always held them close fearing they'll be used against me. I need to open up and let my guard down.

Only then will I feel love.

Random thoughts

• I think we have to lose everything to realize what we never had. 
• Finding people to love me is impossible without loving myself.
• Im a being created by imperfect beings.
• Life is to short to be unhappy.
• If you find someone that likes/loves you hold on to them. You never know where it will lead.
• What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
• If I fall Im taking everybody down. I cant fail...
• Im a work in progress.
• Not perfect but trying the best I can to be.
• Ive learned not to make the same mistakes.
• What makes someone beautiful is whats in their heart.
• You cant bring me down.

Try

I promise for current/next/future relationship I will try forever. For some of my past ones Ive either given it my best shot or left at the first sign of trouble. But as long as the love is there I wont ever give up.

I promise this to myself.

Five Finger Death Punch - The Bleeding

Im feeling this song right now. It pierces my soul. I feel to the depths of my being.

Adam Gontier - Take me with you

Compelled

I feel compelled to move away from all of this. Start a new life in a bigger city with every opportunity that comes with it. For some reason a fire has been growing in me. Telling me to go. Telling me to experience. Telling me do something different before I leave this world.

I cant explain it. Ive felt so strongly lately the urge to try something different. Before I was locked down in a relationship that was so suffocating and hateful. Now I don't have to worry about that chapter in my life. Its officially over and now I'm not looking back.

Things I want to do in my life

• Learn the guitar
• Get married
• Get more tatoos
• Travel to different places
• Get a new job
• Find the love of my life
• Let go of the past and focus on me
• Make new friends
• Love somebody forever
• See the world

 I will attain these goals this year. It will absolutely happen. Nothing can stop me now and nothing will hold me down.

It is what it is

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Gary Jules

People I used to know

There are some flat out mean-spirited individuals who have made spewing hate and negativity their sole purpose. When you identify one of these discouraging people trying to drag you down, slow your drive, crush your confidence or compact your dreams, don’t engage. Don’t react as if their words hold any merit, and don’t seek revenge. That will only veer you off track and turn you into a pessimist yourself. Do what you do and slap a hater in the face with success.

Love yourself

In order to love someone else you have to love yourself. To do this you have to do things in your life that you love and in turn you will love yourself. For me this means indulging in activities that bring me happiness. Without them I'm lost. Without them I cant love life. They make my world turn. If I was stripped of these things what would I have left. An angry man full of hurt and resentment. I cant be that way. Its just not me. I enjoy being happy and in turn everyone around me is happy.

Things that make me happy are very simple to some but they put a smile on my face. Playing my favorite video game brings me happiness. If you see me I will have a big smile on my face and will forget all my problems for that brief time. When I lift weights it brings me pain and happiness. Everyday I get stronger, bigger, more powerful, and happy. Im in my own world and focus with all my strength and determination. No one can stop me for that one hour of the day. My kids visiting the weekend is another thing that makes me happy. Its the little things I do for them that makes me happy. Everyday I ask them what they want for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I make it for them. My daughter asks me why Im such a good cook and I tell her I put love in the recipe. Sometimes Ill take them to the movies or the park. Things that I never did when I was a kid. I also love to work on my computer. Im usually downloading the newest movie or game. Updating software or tackling some new project.

In the end I ask myself if I'm happy. And the resounding answer is yes. Im ready to love and accept love again. Hopefully forever this time...

Rebeltution - Meant to be

My past

This video almost perfectly describes my last relationship. A man in pain. A man ignored, unloved, and disrespected. Told nobody wanted him or needed him. Hated for being me.

What life has taught me

My life has not been a perfect fairytale. Either by my decisions or because of others. Ive always been one to leap before looking. Fearless in my decisions. For the good or the bad I learn something. Something about myself or others.

Ive never been understood by my mom or siblings. They look at me like Im a wild child. Maybe a misfit stumbling through this world. But thats not the case. They never understood I have no fear of failure. I try anything once. If I succeed then great. If I fail its even better because I learned something about myself.

 Ive seen my share of ups and downs. What its taught me is try harder during the bad times. If it fails then you have no one to blame but yourself. Life will always be good and bad. But a measure of a man is how he handles the bad. If he runs then hes not a man. If he perseveres he is tougher than any man who stands before him.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

-Harvey Mackay

Me

My Father taught me how to be a man – and not by instilling in me a sense of machismo or an agenda of dominance. He taught me that a real man doesn’t take, he gives; he doesn’t use force, he uses logic; doesn’t play the role of trouble-maker, but rather, trouble-shooter; and most importantly, a real man is defined by what’s in his heart, not his pants.

Five Finger Death Punch - The Bleeding

The Phoenix

In Greek mythology the Phoenix is a long lived bird that is reborn or regenerated. Associated with the sun, a phoenix obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor.

Like a Phoenix I have been reborn from the ashes of my past. These past months I have taken my life back. No longer am I unhappy. I have left a bad situation and started over. Hence the reference to a Phoenix.

My happiness is most important to me now. I will not bend my will to those who dont love or respect me. This year will be different....

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

I need to explore a new love. I need to open my eyes instead of ignoring the world . Ignoring all of my opportunities out there.

Ignoring....

The wink of the beautiful women at the store. 

The smile from a pretty girl in a car.

The opportunity to meet someone new.

A change in the scenery.

Hanging out with my friends.

Finding someone that will accept my flaws

Lifes to short to spend it with someone that doesn't truly love me. Im going to explore my options and be happy. I cant accept second best. I need someone to love me for me.

 As flawed as I am I need to find someone to love me for who I am rather than what they want me to be.

Remember love people for their flaws.

I need to be me.

I need to be loved.

I need to be wanted. 

I need to be happy. 

I need to be me....

I remember

Over the past few days I've been overcome by a flood of emotion. Memories having been coming back to me like a flood.

I've been over come by mostly bad memories. How I was treated. What I did. What was said and what has happened. I remember being told I was hated. Told nobody wanted me there. Being locked out of my own house. Made to feel worthless. Always told that everything was better elsewhere. Told that her friends and family would be there and support her when in reality I was the only one  there for her. Told that everything I did was unneeded and that she couldve done it without me. Thanks for the disrespect.

This is why I did what I did. I felt lonely and unloved. Hated and disrespected. Sometimes I would drink to dull the pain. I drink till I couldnt anymore. Till I passed out alone on the couch. But it never worked. I couldnt escape the hatred towards me. I would be called and messaged telling me how much I sucked. Telling me the door would be locked. I was too embarassed to ask for help and would sleep in my car sometimes. When I was a child my mom would throw me out of the house wearing nothing but underwear. I felt embrassed and humiliated. I would hide when cars would show up. I would just sit on the curb and cry. Feeling unwanted and abandoned is horrible.

But there is a silver lining. My friend took me in. Gave me a place to stay. Here I dont worry that I'll be locked out. I dont feel worthless. I feel welcomed and wanted. Im not told I'm hated.

I dont know what the future will bring but I feel safe and wanted here. Everyday I grow apart from her. Driven by the hatred I felt. By the memories I have seared in my brain.

Art Of Dying - Die Trying

Sometimes I feel like that boy I once knew looking for his father. But then I realize I am my father.

Alone I look into my future. Somewhat uncertain. I know where Im going but I have to pick my path.

I am human and make mistakes. Its what makes me mortal. I envy my brother and sister because they always knew the path and followed it. Im the black sheep. Always ridiculed and hated. Maybe Ill find my way. But now I am lost.

The only person I can help is myself. It seems when I help others I am disrespected and treated like garbage. No one helps me. I always figure it out. This is my greatest gift and strength. Adversity makes me stronger. When held down I rise up stronger than before.

I dont ever think about my happiness. I think Im always tasked with making someone happy rather than myself. Its lonely and I get angry often. I feel neglected and unwanted. Every relationship has been like this. I try my hardest and try to apply all the lessons I learned from before. But somehow I end up in the same place I was before. Lonely and unloved.

Maybe Im destined to be alone. The faster I figure that out the faster I can move on and be happy.

Human nature

Its in our nature to be around someone when they're nice to you. Its also natural to not want to be around someone when they're mean to you. Some people dont get that.

Feeling better

I dont hurt anymore. Im at peace now. Feels good to wake up and no ones arguing with me. I dont have to hear the complaints anymore.

Be careful what you wish for

I've always said be careful what you wish for. Because you just might get it. And it may be something you didn't want after all.

Ive been here before

Ive been here before. My life turned upside down. But this time is different. I know what to do and can do it well. Been there done that should be the phrase I should be using.

Everything I do is wrong

Everything I do is wrong. When I wake up I'm screamed at for doing something wrong. And when I go to sleep its the same. I'm slowly retreating. Backed up into a corner and don't know what to do. I can't say or do anything because its always wrong.

Its hard loving somebody that hates you.

Trying to hard or to little

Am I trying to hard or to little. Don't know these days. Maybe I should just give up. Or maybe I shouldn't.

These days have been hard for me. I feel alone in my struggles. Sometimes I just want want somebody to understand and care.

My words are always misconstrued. Everytime I say something its always misinterpreted as something else. Sometimes I don't talk so I won't say something wrong. But that doest work because then I am told I'm ignoring people.

But my days do have a bright spot. My friends at work always joke with me. They never tell me I'm wrong all time or scream at me. Sometimes the cashiers talked to me to see how my day is going. Its the little things that keep me going. My children are another bright spot. They always compliment me and appreciate everything I do for them.

Work is hard these days. One hundred degree heat wears a person down. Sometimes I just want a beer and play videogames. But sadly I'm so exhausted I just pass out.

I'm human an imperfect being created by imperfect beings. I can only learn and improve myself. Change doest happen in a day, week, or month. It takes time and time is all I have.

tough

Its hard leaving somebody you still love. But with so much
hatred directed my way I guess its time to go....

10 years - So Long Goodbye

Crossfade - Already Gone

[50 cent]
She want it I can tell she want it
want me to push up on it
fore she know when I’m all on it
we get the party going liquor flowing this is fire
50 and jeremih number 1 there’s nothing higher
(won’t you go and)
get it get it (I see you baby)
work it work it
(won’t you, just put it down)
get it get it
work it work it
break it break it down…

[Jeremih]
Ok she headed to the dancefloor and she slowly start to poppin it
something like my wrist cause everybody got to watching it
girl you go that secret treasure I’m gon put that lock on it
don’t care what they say I would be stupid to be not on it
heard you go that sticky
lets go and take 9 shots we’ll just call it fifty
and I’m gonna lick it lick it lick it
till her hicky have her Rev running
keep you running til you whimpy
(bang bang bang bang)
Oh you look so sweet
what you work in Paris
look at your physique
girl you are a beauty well I am a beast
they must have been trippin to let me off the leash

[Jeremih Chorus]
I love the way you grind with that booty on me
shorty you a dime why you looking lonely
we’ll buy another round and it’s all on me
as long as I’m around put it down on me
just put it down on me
put it down on me
down down on me
don’t throw it off the mound
show me how its gonna be
girl all I really want is you down on me
put it down on me
courtesy of TopLyrics.info
[50 cent]
Systems thumping party jumping
shorty she’s a perfect 10
she rock her hips than roll her hips
than drop it down like it’s nothing
she shaped just like an hour glass
she see how fast an hour passed
time flies when I’m on that ass
but I won’t put our sh-t on blast
work it like a pro pro pro
sit and watch it go go go
do her thing all on the floor
she bounce it fast and shake it slow
so sexual incredible
she beautiful she edible
I got her I won’t let her go
I ain’t seen nothing better yo
look at how she twurk it
the way she work it
make me wanna hit it hit it
heaven when I’m in it in it
if I do not fit, I’m gonna make it
girl you can take it
don’t stop get it get it

[Chorus]

[Jeremih]
Say you independent
get it from your momma
tell me if you with it
do you really wanna wanna
baby when you see me
you know I be on it
can you keep it up
put it all up on me
(repeated)
[Chorus]

So lonely....

Sometimes I feel really lonely. Everyday I wake up alone. I make breakfast for myself then go to work. Spend lunch working out by myself. Then go to school till 10. After that I come home, take a bath, and spend the rest of my time on the computer reading until I fall asleep in front of it.

At then end of the week I like to get a beer with a friend of mine and have some actual social interaction with somebody. Its not much but its all I got.

It feels like prison at home with no one to talk to or do anything with. If my girlfriend visits me its great. But thats few and far between. Usually its just me alone with only four walls to keep me company.

A learning experience

When Im sick I realize people better I guess. I learn who is caring and who isnt. Who wants to make sure Im better and who doesnt care if Im ok.

People seem to come out of the woodwork as well. I had people show interest in my well being that I never new cared. I also saw how other people I thought should care, didnt.

Somebody even told me they have a crush on me.

An interesting experience for sure.

What do I want

You know I never bother to ask myself what I want out of relationships or life in general. Day by day I worry what everyone else wants. Everybody from my children, my mom, relatives, ex wife, girlfriend, friends and coworkers.

Nobody ever seems to think about me and what I want. I dont think about me either.

 

love

Someone asked me what is love
is it good, is it bad
is it awesome, is it terrible
I honestly didn't know how to answer them.
I finally decided love is the most complicated of all emotions
Love is kind
love is harsh
love is wonderful
love is terrible
love is a cure
love is a sickness
love is LOVE
love is hate
love is meaningful
love is pointless
love shows the best in people
love shows the worse in people
love makes us speak truth
love makes us lie
love understands everything
love confuses everyone
love builds your life
love tears your heart down
love makes you smile
love makes you cry
love makes us cuddle
love makes us hit
love makes the world go round
love makes the world go crashing down
love makes things simple
love makes things impossible
love is always worth it
love is never worth it
love makes us smarter
love makes us stupid
love is enlightening!
love is BLIND
make love not war
make war out of love
love encourages
love scares
love is peaceful
love creates fights
love is soothing
love is tough

...and above all
Love is always worth it
because you become a better person
  every timeyou love someone
from the simplest caring for a friend
to the deepest desire to love someone til the world ends
from the unconditional love of a child
to the complicated love of the gods
there is...no meaning to love
love means...everything

No matter how much it hurts you, or makes you cry
tries your spirt, and splits your soul.
Love is always worth it...because what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger
And however long it takes
you will be, a better person because you lived, though love.
  Weren't afraid to make mistakes, choices and try again.
And...above all, loved someone no matter what people thought.
You would die for that person...but you would also live for them.
That...is the true meaning of love...

Love

Love Is;

Love is when you care more about someone else's happiness than your own,
You would do anything for them,
You'd rather be with them than anyone else in the world,
You would die so they could live,
When you lose them it feels like you lose yourself,
Theyre the only thing you can ever think of,
You never even dream of being with anyone else, because theyre everything you want,
They have many faults, but your blind to them,
You would take them back no matter what they do,
When you with them it's the happiest time of your life,
but when you without them it feels like there is this great big hole in you
You always want to be in their arms,
Everything reminds you of them,
You miss them the second they leave,
you're always worried about them
there is something in you just burning so deeply
you cannot even begin to describe it
you want to be the one they turn to
you want to be the one they trust
they can hurt you so much
but you choose to pretend they don't
just in case it would hurt them or your relationship
no matter what, they mean the world to you
and you always want to protect them
you wish you could take their pain from them
even if it means feeling it yourself
they do not have to return your love for you to feel this way
They make your life complete
and you cannot imagine them not being in it

I keep learning more

Im going to keep doing what Im supposed to do and not let any one or anything get in my way.

While everybody screws up and betrays me I will continue working on myself.

When somebody screws up they usually try to fix it. But people in my life decide to make even worse decisions towards me.

I never forget.....

30 Seconds to Mars- 100 suns

Within the human heart, we all feel the call to be simple, to be present, to be real. Yet throughout the day, the world urges us to be at war with ourselves and each other: Be resentful about the past. Be anxious about the future. Be hungry for what you dont see. Be dissatisfied with you do see. Be guilty. Be important. Be bored. Be right.

For example, the people who are in our lives today, are in our lives today. What can be simpler than this? Yet so often we react to those we encounter with a mind churning in conflict? We dont want them here. We can think of other people we would rather have here. Were not even sure we want to be here. When will this be over? Why does this always happen to us. And so on and on.

When we become proccupied with what we want or dont want from someone, or what we do or dont approve of. We fail to see that persons goodness, malice, gentleness, sadness, or anything else that is present.

Little children have very few if any unnecessary thoughts, and thats why they are usually focused, present, and happy.

Our live are filled with useless battles because our minds are filled with useless thoughts. We carry unhappy scenes from the past as if they were still happening. This glut of thoughts profoundly affects the world we perceive and the life we live.

Yes, I Have A Penis

Do not assume (if I hold the door for you),
that I am making a statement
about your inabilities
to open the door for yourself.
If you hold it for me,
I'll say 'thankyou'.

Do not assume (if I pay for the meal),
that I am underestimating
your earning capacity
as a woman.
If you invite me out for a meal,
you're paying.

Do not assume (if I defend your rights),
that I am belittling
the attempts that you have made
to defend your rights yourself.
If you defend my rights,
I'll consider you human.

Wheres my companion cube........

Aaron Lewis - Something Like Me

Shards of broken pieces
shattered on the floor
its not enough to bleed

tears and angry voices
cracks around the door
no apologies

and every time you say you love me
I just have to stop and catch my breath
how could somebody love something like me
if you could only say your sorry
there is nothing in this world I can't forget
waiting here for you to set me free

toys and colored pencils
scattered on the floor
underneath my feet

you're always crying over nothing
you're always wanting more
you never go to sleep

but every time you say you love me
I just have to stop and catch my breath
how could somebody love something like me
and every time I feel im falling
she'll be there to save me from myself
little angel watching over me

the taxi's in the driveway
my bags are at the door
and it still kills me to leave

but every time you say you love me
I just have to stop and catch my breath
how could somebody love something like me
and every time I feel im falling
your the one's that saved me from myself
you give me something to believe

and with you here
these cracks and tears
they fade away

Just when you thought

Just when you thought your alone, somebody is just as alone as you. And your worlds collide. As I write these words I feel good. I feel "thought of". I feel not as alone as before. I feel better. I feel so close yet so far away.

Everything in my life seems to be getting better. Not better.....greater.

Im just along for the ride.......lets see where it goes.