Within the human heart, we all feel the call to be simple, to be present, to be real. Yet throughout the day, the world urges us to be at war with ourselves and each other: Be resentful about the past. Be anxious about the future. Be hungry for what you dont see. Be dissatisfied with you do see. Be guilty. Be important. Be bored. Be right.

For example, the people who are in our lives today, are in our lives today. What can be simpler than this? Yet so often we react to those we encounter with a mind churning in conflict? We dont want them here. We can think of other people we would rather have here. Were not even sure we want to be here. When will this be over? Why does this always happen to us. And so on and on.

When we become proccupied with what we want or dont want from someone, or what we do or dont approve of. We fail to see that persons goodness, malice, gentleness, sadness, or anything else that is present.

Little children have very few if any unnecessary thoughts, and thats why they are usually focused, present, and happy.

Our live are filled with useless battles because our minds are filled with useless thoughts. We carry unhappy scenes from the past as if they were still happening. This glut of thoughts profoundly affects the world we perceive and the life we live.

Yes, I Have A Penis

Do not assume (if I hold the door for you),
that I am making a statement
about your inabilities
to open the door for yourself.
If you hold it for me,
I'll say 'thankyou'.

Do not assume (if I pay for the meal),
that I am underestimating
your earning capacity
as a woman.
If you invite me out for a meal,
you're paying.

Do not assume (if I defend your rights),
that I am belittling
the attempts that you have made
to defend your rights yourself.
If you defend my rights,
I'll consider you human.

Wheres my companion cube........

Aaron Lewis - Something Like Me

Shards of broken pieces
shattered on the floor
its not enough to bleed

tears and angry voices
cracks around the door
no apologies

and every time you say you love me
I just have to stop and catch my breath
how could somebody love something like me
if you could only say your sorry
there is nothing in this world I can't forget
waiting here for you to set me free

toys and colored pencils
scattered on the floor
underneath my feet

you're always crying over nothing
you're always wanting more
you never go to sleep

but every time you say you love me
I just have to stop and catch my breath
how could somebody love something like me
and every time I feel im falling
she'll be there to save me from myself
little angel watching over me

the taxi's in the driveway
my bags are at the door
and it still kills me to leave

but every time you say you love me
I just have to stop and catch my breath
how could somebody love something like me
and every time I feel im falling
your the one's that saved me from myself
you give me something to believe

and with you here
these cracks and tears
they fade away

Just when you thought

Just when you thought your alone, somebody is just as alone as you. And your worlds collide. As I write these words I feel good. I feel "thought of". I feel not as alone as before. I feel better. I feel so close yet so far away.

Everything in my life seems to be getting better. Not better.....greater.

Im just along for the ride.......lets see where it goes.

Lost but at the same time determined

I know what I want out of life. But getting there is taking forever. My school, love life, and my kids have an ultimate goal. Its just taking forever. I want to graduate already. I want to be married and settled. And I want the best for my kids.

Im envious of my sibling who have all of this. They all have there careers. Are married and have everything in there life in order.

I havent accomplished these things yet and they look at me like Im a loser. They dont look at what Im doing now. Just at all of the mistakes Ive made in my life.

Im focusing on myself and my kids and nobody else. They are all I need now. They keep me going. They look up to me. They think Im the greatest. And I try to be.

Into the unknown

Im moving into a new place this weekend and the idea is kinda freaking me out. You see Ive never lived alone. Ive always lived with roomates, girlfriends, family members, or my exwife.

Whats freaking me out is that I wont have anyone to talk to. I will be there alone all week. Saturday through monday I will have my kids. Other than that it will be just me...by myself. Having nobody sucks at this point.

Up until this point Ive been living with my parents for a couple of months. This wasnt my choice of course. I left in the middle of the night when I left my exgirlfriend. I had no other option at that point.

Only time will tell what will happen.

Three days Grace - Last to know.

Single again

You can put alot of effort into something and still have it fail. Thats life I guess. I keep telling myself to focus on my goals and me. Im putting more effort into myself lately. Working out, eating right, and continuing school.

Life is hard. Bad things happen for a reason I guess. Ive got to keep moving forward. Im almost done with school. Its been tough this semester. It seems like everybody is trying to hold me down. Most of my family doesnt help or support me.

My kids help make it bearable. They love me unconditionally. Thats what love is all about. Sometimes a smile from one of them is enough to keep me going.

Its hard loving somebody that doesnt love themself. Nothing I do works. Apparently Im always doing something wrong.

Why?

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
  - Bertrand Russell

I live my life in conflict right now. Light and dark. I dont know what to do.

Daniel Merriweather- Red

Tron

One of my all time favorite movies is getting the sequel treatment. The original Tron movie is a little old and dated by todays standards. But every geek has a special place in their heart for it, especially mine.

The Soft Pack

The Soft Pack- Down on Lovin

I see the sun in the sky looks so good

But my mind’s getting dark like a young man’s would

I see the birds flying see them soar through the air

But all I got this feeling that my heart of despair
Cause I’m down on loving, down on loving

But I’m down on loving, down on loving

Oh I’m down on loving, and I see that loving all around
I hear the breeze in the air, shake their lies

And the blood is running through my veins as cold as ice

I see the couples passing walking hand in hand

I want to be alone cause I can’t understand
Why I’m down on loving, down on loving

Yeah I’m down on loving, down on loving

Oh I’m down on loving, and I see that loving all around
I’m down, down, down, down on loving
I see the sun on the water and it looks so fine

But I’m locking doors and I’m losing my mind

I don’t want to feel, No, I don’t want to listen

And I can’t stand awash, don’t care what I’m missing
And I’m down on loving, down on loving

Yeah I’m down on loving, down on loving

I’m down on loving, and I see that loving all around
I’m down, down, down, down on loving

I’m down on loving

I’m down on loving

I’m down on loving

Inspiration

New Laptop

I just bought a new laptop. Ive been shopping for a while and settled on this beast.

◦Intel® Core™2 Duo mobile processor P8700
Features 2 processing cores, 1066MHz system bus, 3MB L2 cache and 2.53GHz processor speed per core.
◦6GB DDR2 memory
◦Multiformat DVD±RW/CD-RW drive with double-layer support
◦17.3" LED-backlit LCD high-definition plus widescreen display
With 1600 x 900 resolution.
◦500GB Serial ATA hard drive (5400 rpm)
◦Built-in facial recognition.
◦NVIDIA GeForce GTX 260M graphics Features 1GB GDDR3.
*HDMI output for connecting to an HDTV. 2 built-in speakers with DSP and Dolby Home Theater support.
◦Built-in 1.3MP webcam
◦8-in-1 media reader
Supports MultiMediaCard, Secure Digital, xD-Picture Card, Smart Media, Memory Stick, Memory Stick PRO and Memory Stick Duo formats.
◦IEEE 1394 (FireWire) interface and 4 high-speed USB 2.0 ports
◦Built-in wireless LAN (802.11b/g/n)
◦Built-in 10/100/1000 Mbps fast Ethernet LAN
◦Weighs 8.8 lbs. and measures 2" thin
◦Fair battery life
Of up to 1 hour and 23 minutes (most accurate statement on battery life yet)
◦Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium Edition 64-bit operating system preinstalled


Its called the G72GX by Asus. Its an extremely powerful gaming laptop. The reason that I call it a beast is because its huge. Its got a 17 inch screen. It was time for a new computer. The other laptop I used wasnt available anymore. I borrowed one for a while but had to return it eventually. I got a great deal on this. It cost about $999 with tax. Not a bad deal for this kind of computing power. Its so shiny and new. I love it.

Beautiful Day

Today was a beautiful day. Even though I went to work I enjoyed the day. Its the start of the rest of my life. Yesterday my bi-polar ex dumped me. I wasnt sad. I was actually happy. The hardest thing in the world is being with someone who just wants to fight all the time.

What did I do your probably asking yourself. Nothing, thats weird thing about being with somebody that has a mental illness. Nothing makes sense. She did the same thing before. After an argument she decided to call my mom and tell her that she didnt want me there anymore. SO I left in the middle of the night, my stuff in trashbags. Skip forward to three months. She calls me begging for me to be back in her life. I relented and got back with her. What a mistake.

But like I said before Im happy. Nobody is screaming at me. Nobody is throwing things at me. And finally nobody is treating me like Im worthless.

Life is great!!!

Public service message

click on the pic

Alone

Sometimes I think love is not for me. Right now Im 30 and cant seem to get it right. How long will it take to find it I wonder. Forever at this point. Maybe Im destined to be alone forever. All I know is I envy people that are married. People that have someone to talk to everyday. And people that have a warm body to sleep next to.

Ive met alot of people that are single and are fine with it. Why cant I be one of those people. All I know is being lonely sucks.

Soothing music

Poems

I Love You
© Megan A. Smith
I know your there
but my worlds so bare.
Nothings standing in your way,
I’m hoping you can make it one more day.

Our relationship has grown so strong,
where could we have went so wrong.
You were there when I needed you,
Now I’m here for you to need me too.

My love for you will stay the same,
never will I forget your name.
By my side, you will always stay,
I'll think of you day by day.

Sorry
© Edward Iacona
The phrase "I'm Sorry" you may agree
Has turned into a social amenity
We say "I'm Sorry" more than Brenda Lee
Which was a hit song for her back in 1960.

You may not want to acknowledge the damage you've done
The pain that you've brought to spouse, daughter or son.
But if you've done wrong you must see the light
To take a pro-active step to returning things right

There will remain feelings that you can't erase
Lost time and memories that you can't replace
Because of your actions now nothings the same
Take a look in your mirror and know that there's blame.

Maybe those words are one's you won't do.
They may not exist in your new age point of view.
Or, don't want to hear the anger, it might make you blue
It's easier to leave your loved ones hurt and askew.

Just saying I'm sorry is not all it takes
No magical words to make gone the mistakes
Begin the road back with those words from your heart
They do not mark the end but maybe a start.

Your family's your bond like no other glue.
A great family we had, can we renew?
Deep in your heart you know what to do.
If I can say "I'm sorry" then I think you can too.

Inspirational Quotes

Funny pics

Mexico won.....I guess LOL!!!!!!!!!

The EX

Today my ex girlfriend texted me saying she was sorry and that she wanted to make up. I wasnt going to listen. I was just sick of it all.

She made my life a living hell. I tried everything I could to be the perfect boyfriend but it was never enough.

From the time that I woke up to the time I went to bed I tried to make her happy. I would always make her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I would wash and fold all of the laundry. Clean all of the dishes. I was the one that made the budget and would pay all of the bills. I bought and put away all of the groceries. And when a problem came up that she couldnt handle. I would fix it and make it all better.

And what would I get back? Nothing, no love or affection. She would give me a good fight or argument about what I was doing wrong. If I was sick she wouldnt take care of me. When I was sick she would go out of her way to make me feel worse. That broke my heart.

I treated her like a queen and she treated me like dog shit. Then one day I couldnt take it anymore and I left. My family came over and moved me out. That day I felt defeated.

Now Im much better, stronger, and smarter from the experience. Everyday I feel better about myself. Im happy now and I dont want to be sad anymore.

Heres a song by Seether. It reminds me that its going to get better.



Seether-Fine Again


It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…

I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

Being alone has taught me more about myself. Ive learned about my strengths and weaknesses. Ive had time to reflect about where Ive been and where Im going.

But still I miss having someone to talk to everyday. Someone to hold and someone to spoil.

Right now Im fully focused and nothing is stopping me from reaching that goal.

Mat Kearney

The daily grind

Well its time for school again. I love it and hate at the same time. Its always fun at the start but then it gets monotonous. Every night seems to drag on like the one before last. Whats even worse is the hours have lengthened. Now Im going to go from 6-11pm monday through thursday.

And since Im single its probably going to be unbearable. Oh well Ill just suck it up and do it.

Time for something a little funny

Funny Japanese game shows





Watch them all the way through. Its worth it.

Some funny pics

Here are some funny pics I ran across. I typed in crazy in the search engine and this is what I got.

Quote of the Day

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

Oprah Winfrey

Time for something new

Im in a different place in my life now. A much better place I believe. In this song the artist is not talking about a specific person but an idea to believe in.



Parachute

She Is Love lyrics

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

She's all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be here, yes she'll be here,
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need.

Seether - Driven Under

"Then she told me she had a gun" Means that she told him that she has really hurt people before, and will probably do it to him.

Confused

For some reason everybody's pissed off at me. Its like its piss on Joe day. Rather than arguing about stuff I'll just ignore the offended. If at some point they want to talk to me they can in a calm manner.

Oh well some days are great and then you have those that go straight to hell for no reason.

On a lighter note I did my good deed for the day. I always try to do something special for someone whether they realize it or not. Anyways I saw a women crying and stranded on the side of the road. I pulled over and asked what was wrong and she told me her car had stalled out. I pushed her car to a safe location and then she thanked me.

At least one person in this world doesn't hate me.

Believe

“Arthur,” said Ford.
“Hello? Yes?” said Arthur.
“Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.”
“Ah, well, I’m not sure I believe that.”

--excerpt from Life, the Universe, and Everything by Douglas Adams

To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is not to believe.
- Jean-Paul Sartre

Halloween

Here's a video of Diego removing the guts from a pumpkin. Pics included as well.

A funny pic

A random quote

Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.

Diego's Birthday Party

Monday is my sons birthday officially. But we decided to have his party last Saturday.
As you can see no expense was spared for him. Well the only thing missing is alot of balloons. You see this was sort of a last minute thing. We were pretty much flying by the seat of our pants.
Everything worked out for the best though. A very special thank you goes out to all the people that made this possible. Thank you Shannon, Carlos, Myah, and Beth.

Staind - So Far Away

You can interpret this video in so many ways. I believe he has found something special after being through so much in his life. Its almost like a dream that he doesnt want to go away. Kinda like my life I suppose.

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

(chorus)

A change is coming

Every day I wish I was doing something different. Every morning up until a certain point my life has pretty much been the same. I would wake up and make breakfast for the kids and myself. Get them bathed and ready for the day. Then I would do the same for myself. Take them to school or daycare then go to work. This would be the routine everyday that I had my kids and if I didnt have them it would be the same minus the kids.

After this I would go to work, get some coffee, and proceed to sweat like horse for an unappreciative boss. But there is a silver lining to my day. Seeing a certain persons face makes the day all more bearable.

Once I get out of work I go straight to school. This isnt really a bad part of my day but Im a little tired by this time. Sometimes I dont feel like going but I force myself because this class will eventually get me a better paying job.

The time is drawing near. At a certain point I will have enough skills to get a different and better job.

Seether - Broken

Just a note.....Alot of the the songs I post hold special meaning. Whether it be in the lyrics or the symbolism of the song. Most songs are lyrical poems written by artists describing serious pain or love.



I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Seether- Sympathetic

And my words will be here when I’m gone
As I’m fading away against the wind
And the words you left me linger on
As I’m failing again now, never to change this

And I’m sympathetic,
Never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam

And it seems I’m alone here, hollow again
As I’m flailing again against the wind
And the scars I am left with swallow again
As I’m failing again now, never to change this

And I’m sympathetic,
Never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam
And I’m sympathetic,
Never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam

The same old feelings are taking over
And I can’t seem to make them go away
And I can’t take all the pressure sober,
But I can’t seem to make it go away
The same old feelings are taking over
And I can’t seem to make them go away
And I can’t take all the pressure sober
(I can’t make it go away. I can’t make it go away)

And I’m sympathetic,
Never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam
And I’m sympathetic,
Never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam
And I’m falling, falling, falling,
Falling, falling, falling, falling
Apart again at the seam

Random Thoughts

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

My Father taught me how to be a man – and not by instilling in me a sense of machismo or an agenda of dominance. He taught me that a real man doesn’t take, he gives; he doesn’t use force, he uses logic; doesn’t play the role of trouble-maker, but rather, trouble-shooter; and most importantly, a real man is defined by what’s in his heart, not his pants.

Some of the best things in my life have happened just by chance. My children, friends, and my heart's desire have come into my life by chance. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe fate is driving all of our lives and we have no control over what is going to happen next.

In the end how do you want to be remembered?

Love people for their flaws.

Remember smile

This video made me laugh so I thought Id share it with you. Remember smile.

Top Ramen

As some of you are aware I am a college student and being one causes me to be a little poor sometimes. LOL!!! Check this out I got 50 packs of ramen noodles for around 5 bucks.

Iraq

I don't think alot of us really know what is going over there. Here is some videos that I ran across that put things in perspective.

Seether - Plastic Man

Been feeling a little gloomy lately and I don't know why. This song pretty much sums up my feelings.



I am a plastic man. Wish I could be the one you could be proud of.
I'm losing heart again. Wish I could show you what you think I'm made of.
Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I know this pain will fade.

I am a perfect sale, just wrap me up with a bow and flowers.
I will neglect to tell, I'll sell your story that we love each other.
Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I know this pain will fade.
Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I'll sing my last refrain.

Why don't you let me be, and I'll pretend I'm well.
'Cause you're too blind to see, and I'm too tired to tell.
And in your apathy, your head begins to swell.
Another tragedy, but you're too cold to feel.

Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I know this pain will fade.
Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I'll sing my last refrain.

Because I'm A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the blazes could he know where we're going anyway?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn't

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the shopping and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Myspace Links

Apparently myspace has blocked my blogsite from displaying on its servers. I discovered this while I clicked on my own link and it went back to myspace's home page. At first I thought I must of mispelled or linked to it incorrectly. I went back and looked at my code and it was correct.

I did some searching and came across many websites describing the same problem I was having.
Check this out

After alot of searching I came across a simple solution. Btw that guy Tom is an idiot. LOL